Sebastian Barron Composition 21 April 2002 A Sense of Conviction           Nature engenders personal dilemma.  For many, it comes in the form of conviction, and for some, it may be a deeply overwhelming struggle.  Thomas Hardy is a man of philosophy and deeply interested in human nature.  He is intent on making readers feel as if they are experiencing his work.  Feelings expressed by the protagonist in "San Sebastian" can be applied to the reader's own life. He is a man learning to cope with the conviction of sin in his youth.            In the beginning, the speaker is reassuring himself that his life has been fulfilling, and that there is no need to worry about his past "specters" (Hardy 2).  In his youth, he led a "proud career" (3) in the military and has married "a gracious wife" (4) with whom he had "a daughter dear" (5).  For a brief moment, he is content as he observes his daughter's happiness while passing into womanhood. But there is a hint this happiness has somehow come at a price that is now perhaps too high, and he cannot cast off a burden from his past.            A feeling of conviction slowly arises into the speaker's conscience.  While observing his daughter, who is now the same age as the one he "wronged" (17), he is reminded of the error of his past.  In the fourth stanza, he openly admits his fault as he remembers the maiden, with an impending sense of fear that the same wrong could befall his daughter.  With the passing of years, he has had time to see too well his "crimes" (20), and now he feels sympathy for the girl he raped; "I wreaked my lust on her" (55).  He now wishes he could undo the atrocity he committed.            The image of the poor girl he defiled burns clearly in his mind.  The memory of the day he saw her face plays repeatedly, constantly torturing and gnawing his soul.  The fact that he cannot change the past leaves him helpless as he faces the truth of the matter.  His memory is so clear he remembers in detail the "hot, still morning" (27) that forever marked his life.  He keeps replaying the moment in an effort to try to justify his actions.  All he can reason is that his sound judgment was blurred by the chaos during battle: "Amid curses, groans, and cheers" (37).  As the tide of battle turned, his excitement and lust were channeled toward the first being he came in contact with, and as described in stanza ten, she just so happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Had these series of events not occurred, would he have been influenced to commit a crime of such indecency?  Deep down he would like to be reassured he is a good person, and not the savage he might have been seen as had people known.  In his daughter, he sees the good he has produced and finds comfort in that.  However, the feeling is overshadowed by the evil he committed.           In the opening and closing of the poem, he has uncovered the problem that has been haunting him.  He feels as if he has not been punished enough for his wrong doing, saying, "I copied those eyes for my punishment" (59).  Even though his daughter is a blessing, he now sees her as his albatross.  Frightened by the truth, he is too scared to come forward with his daunting past, "But, hid from men, / I bear the mark on me" (64-65).           The speaker found his conviction ironic because it so happened the child his wife bore was a girl who reminded him of his unwanted past, and he saw no escape from the truth.  Hardy wrote to express human nature in everyday life, and was great, for "his imagination was taken captive," reports William R. Rutland (1).  Hardy depicted man's struggles with his own thoughts, feelings, and resulting convictions.  In this poem, he clearly portrays one man's fight against his own demons, but this general concept of conviction can be applied to any individual's life. Sources Cited Hardy, Thomas. "San Sebastian." 18 Apr. 2002 <http://www.bartleby.com/121/20.html>. Rutland, William R. Thomas Hardy, a Study of His Writings and Their Background.           New York: Russell and Russell, 1962.           Thomas, Jane. "Thomas Hardy, Femininity and Dissent: Reassessing the Minor Novels."           Victorian Studies 43 (Winter 2001): 315-317.